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| Could this be the answer? |
How do I know when I'm being myself?
Here is a statement I've used more in the last three to six months than in several years: "That's just not me!" Contemplating this statement, in most instances, I probably should have said, "I don't like this or that." What do preferences have to do with being me? I like vanilla ice cream. Is that being myself? It would be kinda silly to be offered a piece of chocolate cake and say, "No thank you, that's just not me!"
God knows the real me. Being Christ-like is my goal. Personality, character, temperament, gifts, talents, quirks, faults, and my sins--these are what make me, me. So, when am I most myself? I've concluded that it's when I'm asleep! Just kidding--I think!
I walked down my back brick steps this evening when this question took form. As I walked down the steps I looked on each side of the walkway and asked out loud, is this what "myself" looks like? I sure feel like this portion of walkway, with four steps. It's a mess. Jack and I have been doing some maintenance work on the deck so the "collection" of junk and non-junk from the deck and porch is along this section of the steps. Rolled up rugs, buckets, Longaberger umbrella basket. Empty and broken flower pots. Two garden-dish plantings made after Easter (they need watering--glad it's raining). Cardboard box with empty paint cans, rollers and soiled paper towels. Patio chairs full of pool toys. Patio table with a dirty cat blanket over it. Table umbrella leaning on the weeping cherry tree along the sidewalk. Weeds at least a foot high. Watermelon rinds, corn cobs, and broken egg shells thrown to the ground for the chickens to eat. It's a mess. It's ugly. Again, I wondered out loud, is this what "being myself" looks like? At the moment it sure felt like it. The infamous "they" say that your surroundings are indicative of the order of your life. Hello!!! My life has always felt disorganized. Organization is daunting to me. So another question is, "Am I disorganized because I may not like what I find within myself?" But is this even the answer to "being myself."
Are there two selves? The sin-woman who is so tired of the race and defaults to the giving-up mode because old patterns of self protection and self-perception. Or the Spirit-woman who escapes the flesh and finds lightness of soul, joy, hope; yearning for transformation to be a bit clearer, neater, and quicker.
I know the sweet words of friends and family. I also know the opposite words from family and others over the years.
I know the right answers. I know what Jesus says to me; about me. So, when am I myself?
When I'm by myself? Funny, it just might be when I'm asleep!!!
No one other than Jesus knows "myself". Not even me. So is it possible to know when I'm being myself?
A new question: "Does it matter?" I want to say no, but the answer is yes. If we live and breath and have our being in Him, then being myself is a natural by-product of being in His Presence. I have a confession, it is a hard thing for me to quiet myself, to enter His presence when I feel like my brick sidewalk. Junked, over-grown, ugly, and disorganized. I'm tired. He knows. I'm struggling. He knows. I'm failing at important things. He knows. I'm fighting the "should & shouldn't voices. He knows. I'm fighting fiery darts. He knows.
He knows I want authenticity. He also knows I want to want Him above all things. He knows I want to love Him more than anything or anyone. He knows. He knows. He knows. Most important, I want to be other-minded more than me-minded. And He knows where that balance is.
Is it that simple? I answer truthfully, no. Trusting Him over myself is the battle I fight constantly. And He knows this also.
Have I answered my question? How do I "be myself"?
Just be.
I have to say, it's easy being myself when I'm asleep, so I'm going to bed.
