Parent Woundings

My Children on Their Wedding Days

Sitting at the lunch table, bantering about the day's activities, I was pained by a parent.

Doesn't matter how old I get, I still seek my mother and father's approval. Honestly, more my father than my mother. Why? For me, the answer is, my father is the one who has been less engaged in my life. I think another answer is a spiritual yearning planted in our spirits for our Heavenly Father. Our earthly fathers are our first contact and context in a deep yearning for a bigger-than-life protector, a need to feel wanted, a tangible feel of security, verbal soothing and encouragement, someone who first loves us. My father has fallen short on several of these aspects. I'm not saying that he is a bad dad; quite the contrary. He is a good father with failings. Are any of us perfect parents? Am I? Easy answer.

But this still does not relieve the wounding. It was not done purposely. But it was a showing of the truth of his heart. I have three siblings. I am the oldest. My brother is next, than two sisters. My brother, younger sister, and myself have felt and seen the preference in words and deeds toward our middle sister. It's not her fault for being the "golden child" and we have had to remind ourselves of that over the years! Is there a reason? I've asked myself that question many times. I have disappointed my parents with some of my choices. I have not met their expectations in some areas. My position of birth, as the oldest and being a daughter, has some bit of understanding. In my father's era, sons were a premium. They took over the farm/business. So when I was born, I was not the wanted son. It was also that way with each of my sisters. I was almost twenty when my youngest sister was born so I heard the disappointment in my father's voice when he called and said that "it" was a girl. I rejoiced! Even with the preference for a son, my middle sister became the "apple of the eye." I don't think I'll ever know why.

Putting this question to the Lord, forgiving my father's unintended, callous yet revealing remarks, I know that the deficiency that I feel is not valid. My Father's assurance of my worth is soothing. His love-design, earthly parent-placement, era-placement, geographical-placement were/are His purposed intentions for me. His beginning process of making something beautiful of my life--for His glory. I have a flawed earthly father, yet he is a Godly man. I have a perfect Heavenly Father, and I am a flawed earthly daughter. I too strive to be Godly. I am consoled that He loves perfectly, unconditionally, and impartially.

It's hard to "put out there" those parent/child deep feelings, questions, thoughts that many say should be kept to one's self. Those questions that do breed from parental feet of clay. "Not sure what to do with" feelings, hurts, observations are pushed to the darkest corners of our souls. Over the years they are mixed with the yeast of life, and when least expected we have a double or triple batch of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness.

I made excuses, joked about, said they didn't matter. That's how I handled them on the outside. I didn't realize I was adding yeast to a new batch of grievances. I didn't want to feel or seem like a traitor to the family if I would mention the rising dough of offenses. Fear of saying out loud what I had pushed to the corners of my soul was another ingredient to the ever increasing batch of turmoil. I know I don't have to spell out all the questions because I'm not the only one in these parent/child dilemmas. Besides, some questions do not have answers; or more poignantly, answers that I will not like!

Over the last few months, Father, has been guiding me in our intimate relationship through the corners of my soul; He designed my corners for Himself--ONLY. Without Him, my soul's corners are dark. Ripe for brewing. I've pulled those questions out of the corners and have asked Him to guide me to the answers if it's good for my spiritual growth and walk. Or, give it to Him and let Him carry that burden and woundedness. Most of the time I am to extend grace, forgiveness, and then, let the Spirit bring Light and wellness to my yeast-free corners.

I have to say that this weekend's wounding is a lesson of keeping a dialogue open with my own children. Being an earthly parent is full of pitfalls, potholes, and prickly situations. I, too, have wounded my children. My lesson's homework is to make it easier for my three children to express my hurting of them. I want them to feel that I am approachable. Isn't that one of God's most wonderful attributes as a Heavenly Father--He yearns for our approach? His perfect love draws us. I want my children to feel His love through me--I yearn their approach.