Meltdown

Mountain Perspective
Faith and Fitness Hike

When one of my grandchildren has a meltdown, the usual mode of dealing with the behavior is to ignore at the moment, pull them onto my lap in a reasonable amount of time, soothe, and ask questions that will help them recognize their feelings. Majority of the time this will work, if it doesn't, then a nap or bedtime is in order! I do this much better as a grandmother than I did as a mother. Sorry kids!

I had a meltdown this week.

I was ignored.

No one pulled me onto their lap or into their arms.

I wasn't soothed.

My feelings ran wild and the only question I asked myself was, WHY?

Worse? I couldn't sleep.

Three days have passed and perspective, hindsight are welcomed.

I can't say that I was a good "church gal" by praying, letting Jesus take care of it, rise from my knees, a smile on my face, and all was well. Sorry! That would have been a recipe for masking. It was a bit more insidious. Besides I don't want to be known as a "church gal"--much prefer, "follower of Jesus"!

I can say that as a follower of Jesus, I sat down in my chair, picked up my journal, and started writing my out-of-control feelings to Him. Pouring the reasonable and unreasonable onto the pages. Thoughts being forced to slow as I wrote. The tug of war between irrational and rational played with blue on white as I flipped pages and filled them with emotion. "Come, all who are heavy laden..." no qualification as to reasonable or unreasonable. I couldn't sleep, but an assurance of "...I will give you rest."

No mask wearing for me.

My pages revealed that I had been burying insecurities, triggers, and hurts. The meltdown took form of a volcano erupting. At some point a volcano will not be able hold all the churning of hot molten lava. My firestorm of lies, false impressions, exaggerated misconceptions erupted likewise.

Honesty and a safe voicing arena was what I needed...the hotbed flow needed to be stopped. I sought godly friends and spewed.

Again, the clicking of keys slowed my thoughts and the crux of the meltdown was sent through the "In the beginning..." Creator's first day cosmos. My chair time with my Truest Friend revealed that I wasn't responsible for the initial hurt--that was comforting. But as I typed to my earthly true friends, more than the initial hurt came bubbling up. A festering insecurity caused by [of all things] a vocabulary term describing my role in a future endeavor. Add to that an exaggerated, unreasonable leaping-to-conclusion assessment about the input of a person that I do not know. Crazy! How and where did that come from? My friends posed the needed questions.

Back to my chair. I ask Him to help me with the answers to the wise questions from my friends.

One word sums up the answers to all the questions--value. Valuable. Worth. Importance.

I'd lost sight of my being of value. I had reverted back to associating worth to doing.

Because I couldn't grasp my role due to a poorly chosen vocabulary word, my insecurity took a foothold. I do not have the professional profile as my other two friends. Intimidation.

Plus, a shoved-aside incident on a Faith and Fitness hike a weekend or so ago popped back into my conscious.  I had hiked with a friend and had a spectacular time with fellow believers who sponsored the event. Wonderful people. Professional people. At the end of the day we chatted about our take away. The event over, the questions turned to work, experiences, what was ahead, etc. As I listened and heard questions posed, I felt ignored. I had been asked earlier what I did and I told them that I was a grandmother and tried my best to stay out of the company that my husband and I own. As I listened to endeavors to build a magazine, job experiences of dealing with at-risk kids, and knowing of my friend's tasks in completing spiritual formation articles, I scooted back in my seat and "faded into the background." As I did so, I was thinking, even as believers we still place more value on the doing instead of the being. It wasn't intentional and there was nothing wrong in what was asked or in what was said. It was my ah-ha moment in witnessing what we all have a tendency to do. I didn't realize it had affected me as much as it did.

Now, ply that to my recent admission of proudful self-sufficiency. Another admission of seeking the "prestige" of earning a Master's Degree instead of letting it be God's "prestige" since it was something that I knew He had initiated (ultimately I did not complete the degree). Both of these admissions were forms of idolatry.  I now was heading in the opposite direction...feelings of inferiority, ineptness, unqualified. All these little incidents deep down in the core recesses of my soul had become a caldron of boiling turmoil. When I least expected it, I was blindsided with all the fallout of pent up falsehoods.

I have to say, that there will be more meltdowns. Scares the liver out of me! But it's the truth. There are two results of volcanic eruptions:  destruction, and, the pressure is relieved. My friends will be the experts as to whether I caused destruction and I will most willingly clean it up and rebuild. Right now, I like the relief!

Perspective lets you see a long way.