I'm Their Mother

Spring Transforms One Bud at a Time

A most important task happens to be one of my earthly desires. But that desire's heart definitely is tied to heaven. You see, way, way back before any atom was "spoken" to group together to form all those created things told of in Genesis, My Father Creator had thoughts of me:  wondrously, not only me but all those through whom I passed and those who will pass through me. I know intimately the first & second generation that have come after me. It is for them that this task & desire is desperate to be started and finished.

All those things I wish I had told my children, what I am now telling my grandchildren (and still feel inadequate in doing so), the deep things of my rickety journey with my Friend, the Lover of my Soul, My All-in-All, this is what I want to leave them. Not material things, but eternal things.

I want them to know while they were wiped, dressed, herded, punished, chased, played with, hugged, kissed, ignored, listened to, lectured to, spoiled in the wrong way, and loved in the right way...their mother, woman-child was learning too. I pray the Lord will redeem their mother's reflection of Jesus into "rightful" memories. Those mirrored times when I felt the mirror was fractured and cracked, it wasn't. The shiny implement was only a tool. It was the person it copied that was distorted. I remember vividly moments I thought and spoke out loud, "I wish I could hurry this part of my life." My heart squeezes at how "hurry" fast it went. I missed opportunities. But I didn't know. Now I do.

I'd like for them to know:  I have made the simplest graces of God, hard. I have made the hardest graces of God, wrongly simple. I hounded on the "law" instead of honing His love. "Love covers a multitude of sin."

I cannot wash away my yesterdays' regrets with my three blood gifts. But I can bathe them in Jesus's blood-prayers and trust Him when He says He will complete what He starts...in them and in me. I would die for my three blood gifts and my eight great-blood gifts. I understand to the depth that I am able, His heart on Calvary in His death for us...me, my past blood-line, and my future blood-line...they are all His.

I want to give my children a journal/photo-book--I'm their mother and I want them to know this transforming journey that I'm on.

I have to say, the Lord can transform regrets. He can transform anything. Look at Calvary...the ugliness before, transformed to utter glory and joy after...blessed resurrection morn!

Here Comes Bonnie and Clyde

Here comes Kathryn!

I became aware of Bonnie and Clyde in the early morning hours of January 23rd. I'm shaking my head in amazement that I have now seen them in person. The commercial of two kids who have just gotten the news that their parents are taking them to Disney World; their exuberant display of excitement, joy, and utter glee, was exactly what I was feeling inside as I saw my reacquainted long time friend, Kathryn, drive Bonnie and Clyde into my driveway. Words are not adequate to tell of God's weaving of time, distance, and matters of the spirit together for the arrival of a truck, camper, and ministering servant/driver to my home. The Voice says to me, "I did this just for you, Juanita! I love you."

I'm learning how it feels to be loved by God. I know I'm loved by God. I know I'm loved by my children...I know that I'm loved by many. But knowing is different from having the witness of my spirit feeling love. I think it's a bunch of baloney when people say you can't go on feeling about spiritual matters. Hello! I'm not made of cardboard? I have emotions: depth of feelings, and intense visceral eruptive displays of sensitivity. How that should be worded is that you can't be controlled by unfiltered, unquestioned, and unsifted emotions. But spiritually induced emotions that lead to healing, a greater awareness of Divineness, and the construction of soul pathways to fruitfulness and growth...are we crazy to deny this gift? Passions are emotional catalysts for great things.

I want to bottle Kathryn. I would use her as bath salts. I want to pour her all over me as body oil. I want to dab her on my wrist and behind my earlobes, because, she is and leaves a sweet, sweet aroma of the Holy Spirit. Amazing what time in God's mortar and pestle will produce. "May all our grindings and crushings produce in us what it has produced in Kathryn. Amen"

When I started this fast, I had no idea where God was taking me. I'm proud of myself for not "having a plan." The uninterrupted time with Kathryn, gleaning, questioning, listening, watching, and drawing from her has been unspeakably nourishing. Add to Kathryn my life coach session with Mary, and I have become a Holy Spirit Sandwich: I'm between two crucibled and refined souls! God really does love me and he has physically shown me how much by bringing these two women back into my life who are encouraging and helping me to transform. (By the way, the condiments slathered all around me in this sandwich are my Bible Study Gals. What a day we all had with Kathryn.)

I have to say, it is good to feel God's love, as well as the added bonus of the love from two of his most precious daughters. What a way to end a fast!

Time To Fast

I've been feeling this fast coming on for a few days. Like the other fast, it won't be the typical "church" fast. This one will customized by the Holy Spirit--hopefully (I really try to control things when the unknown is involved around those deep corners of mine)! Those recesses of our heart are exactly like every single room in my house; dust bunnies gravitate to those dark crevices after their last cleaning. (I haven't looked under my bed in who knows how long.) There's an issue there spiritually...I'm sure!

Valued and Consumed

Story Will Explain Picture
(Can you see the trees behind the pines,
they are slightly pink from the spring buds!
Yippee! Hooray! Spring is here!)

I haven't read anything in Sacred Rhythms for a few days because my take-out from the last reading is still nourishing. Being intentional. Keenly aware each day of the Presence of God, His agenda, listening to my thoughts and bringing them to the Lord to filter, reveal, re-interpret, or question. Each day as I read scripture I attune myself to a word or phrase that "pops", somedays it whispers! Today John 20:27 popped. For starters, it jumped at me because it's suppose to be 80 degrees today. It's very warm already. Doing my outside chores this morning, the birds and their songs could not be missed. Geese flying overhead, a hawk squawking in the neighbor's woods, Woodpeckers pecking, Chickadees, Cardinals, Finches galore, and my own chickens, guineas, ducks, and roosters. It's no wonder this verse jumped at me this morning. The heart of the pop was not the section about the fowl of the air, but what the Lord said about me..."Are you not of more value than they?" For the Lord to say this to us, do we not end up like a melted ice cube? We are valued! I am valued. (My mind says stop! Don't start giving disclaimers of why I'm not valuable. If I do that, I'm calling Him a liar!) I'm valued. I'm of value. I'm valuable. God thinks I'm valuable. He finds worth in me. He brought all the pieces, times, and circumstances together and handed me His greatest gift--Himself. Then He filled me with Himself, the Holy Spirit, and He's closer than any cell in my body. It's too wonderful. It's too much. I can't take it in. I am consumed.

Are you ready for this? I picked up "My Utmost..." and this is at the end of the reading for today:

"The consequences and circumstances resulting from our surrender will never even enter our mind, because our life will be totally consumed with Him."

This speaks volumes to me. For a person who struggles with perfectionism and performance issues, I am constantly weighing the consequences and circumstances knowing full well, there is LOTS of room for failure. Hence, I don't surrender. I'm learning that surrender isn't something that requires work...it is a natural progression when being consumed by Him. How freeing is that? It's not another mark on the Christianity Check List of being a true believer. It just is! Doesn't it all fall into place when He says, "Seek Me first...?"

Today, I like this transformation journey; because He has said to me, Juanita, you are valuable to Me. I have to say, those words would melt the biggest iceberg, glacier, or polar ice cap.

Longings

What I'm reading and studying during this season of my life.

Daily Light by Bagster/Lotz
My Utmost For His Highest by Chambers
Sacred Rhythms by Barton
Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Barton
Schema Therapy by Young/Klosko/Weishaar
ESV Study Bible
James:  Mercy Triumphs by Beth Moore

I met with my Life Coach and she asked me if I journal. I laughed and embarrassingly told her that I blog.  I agree with Kathy when she said that blogging feels a bit narcissistic. Well, so be it! I have found blogging to be more therapeutic and spiritually helpful. Only those I trust have access to this site; if a stranger stumbles in then welcome to my journey of spiritual transformation.

I've wanted to write many times but have been hesitant. I seem to be VERY cautious lately. I sift my thoughts as if I'm panning for gold. Swirling, carefully spilling out the debris, swirling some more, fingering the sediment and looking for the nugget that has eluded me.

Other times I revert back to my "old way"--I ignore because I'm afraid of the process and what it is that I'm processing. I find things to occupy myself. It's called diverting.

I am re-learning emotions. It's not that I've never had any before or never expressed them, but there have been emotions that have formed that aren't true. They have given me false readings and have crippled me in more ways than I realize. There is no blame given to anyone for my emotional deprivation--EVERYONE has schemas. It's my season to learn, face, and transform.

I have started Sacred Rhythms 3-4 times. It's not that I can't get into it--it's the opposite. I've gotten into it hook, line, and sinker. It's so rich with nourishment for my soul that I keep going back to the first pages and eat up the health-food banquet for my spirit.

Since my fasting week, coming out of the desert, my one HUGE prayer has been answered. I asked God to show me how to love Him, to love Him at the capacity that He created me, and for me to know His love. Sacred Rhythms talks about our longings. Most of the time we are ashamed of our longings, thinking it is a sign of weakness. Other times we discard our longings, thinking there are more important issues at hand. But "longing" is a big deal with God. Check out how many times God uses the word "long/longing" in connection with us, His children. If the thought comes to dismiss our longings, it's definitely not God's desire for us to do so.

I do not like to cry and I refuse myself this release many times. Even though I know it's good for us--within reason! I'm sure somewhere in my schema there has been a time that I was not allowed to cry or else no one consoled me as I cried. I haven't camped on that expedition because I'm not sure it's needed since I know the "why" of it; I'm sure the Lord will "hound" me if I need to go there! But until then I can take that Longing to God--my Longing of Being Consoled when I need to sob and convulse over an emotion or an emotional need. But that is not my greatest longing. My greatest longing is this: Longing to Know Un-Conditional Love. I thought I knew what it was. But in the last few days, I've listened to my heart/soul and have been surprised by the depth of this longing. At first I wanted to argue that this was it's name. I love my kids, grandkids, and this week I love my husband!!! And I know they love me. But the Holy Spirit would not let it go. I had to let all the excuses, defenses, arguments go: I Long For Love. In the presence of God, I took this longing. Quieting my thoughts, quieting all my senses, and closing in to His presence and speaking it out loud and then sobbing while He consoled me.

I have to say, this isn't easy. It's all new. What I had before served me well until now--not sure how well it served God's purpose, but knowing Him, He redeemed and used it for His glory. But I'm ready for this new work, this new way, this transformed spiritual life...to be in perfect sacred rhythm with my Lord.