Longings

What I'm reading and studying during this season of my life.

Daily Light by Bagster/Lotz
My Utmost For His Highest by Chambers
Sacred Rhythms by Barton
Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Barton
Schema Therapy by Young/Klosko/Weishaar
ESV Study Bible
James:  Mercy Triumphs by Beth Moore

I met with my Life Coach and she asked me if I journal. I laughed and embarrassingly told her that I blog.  I agree with Kathy when she said that blogging feels a bit narcissistic. Well, so be it! I have found blogging to be more therapeutic and spiritually helpful. Only those I trust have access to this site; if a stranger stumbles in then welcome to my journey of spiritual transformation.

I've wanted to write many times but have been hesitant. I seem to be VERY cautious lately. I sift my thoughts as if I'm panning for gold. Swirling, carefully spilling out the debris, swirling some more, fingering the sediment and looking for the nugget that has eluded me.

Other times I revert back to my "old way"--I ignore because I'm afraid of the process and what it is that I'm processing. I find things to occupy myself. It's called diverting.

I am re-learning emotions. It's not that I've never had any before or never expressed them, but there have been emotions that have formed that aren't true. They have given me false readings and have crippled me in more ways than I realize. There is no blame given to anyone for my emotional deprivation--EVERYONE has schemas. It's my season to learn, face, and transform.

I have started Sacred Rhythms 3-4 times. It's not that I can't get into it--it's the opposite. I've gotten into it hook, line, and sinker. It's so rich with nourishment for my soul that I keep going back to the first pages and eat up the health-food banquet for my spirit.

Since my fasting week, coming out of the desert, my one HUGE prayer has been answered. I asked God to show me how to love Him, to love Him at the capacity that He created me, and for me to know His love. Sacred Rhythms talks about our longings. Most of the time we are ashamed of our longings, thinking it is a sign of weakness. Other times we discard our longings, thinking there are more important issues at hand. But "longing" is a big deal with God. Check out how many times God uses the word "long/longing" in connection with us, His children. If the thought comes to dismiss our longings, it's definitely not God's desire for us to do so.

I do not like to cry and I refuse myself this release many times. Even though I know it's good for us--within reason! I'm sure somewhere in my schema there has been a time that I was not allowed to cry or else no one consoled me as I cried. I haven't camped on that expedition because I'm not sure it's needed since I know the "why" of it; I'm sure the Lord will "hound" me if I need to go there! But until then I can take that Longing to God--my Longing of Being Consoled when I need to sob and convulse over an emotion or an emotional need. But that is not my greatest longing. My greatest longing is this: Longing to Know Un-Conditional Love. I thought I knew what it was. But in the last few days, I've listened to my heart/soul and have been surprised by the depth of this longing. At first I wanted to argue that this was it's name. I love my kids, grandkids, and this week I love my husband!!! And I know they love me. But the Holy Spirit would not let it go. I had to let all the excuses, defenses, arguments go: I Long For Love. In the presence of God, I took this longing. Quieting my thoughts, quieting all my senses, and closing in to His presence and speaking it out loud and then sobbing while He consoled me.

I have to say, this isn't easy. It's all new. What I had before served me well until now--not sure how well it served God's purpose, but knowing Him, He redeemed and used it for His glory. But I'm ready for this new work, this new way, this transformed spiritual life...to be in perfect sacred rhythm with my Lord.