Genesis

Incubator with 18 eggs ready to hatch in 3 days.

This is my last day of fasting. I have not watched television for a week and have not missed it one bit. There are some other things that I have done/not done but those are between the Lord and I. I have a wave of melancholy. This has been so different. It has been meaningful.

I've been "mothering" 18 eggs since January 12th. They will hatch this Wednesday. There have been little thoughts that the Lord has dropped in me at times while I've been "fooling" with these eggs. These are nuggets that I won't share because they are just between God and I. When I turned the eggs over today (suppose to turn them 2-3 times a day until the last 3 days and then I leave them alone), the brand of the incubator jumped out at me. Genesis. "In the beginning..." New beginnings. In three days, these eggs will be no more and there will life. Adorable, cute, fuzzy, little yellow chicks that will think I am their mommy!!!

Genesis! This fast has been my genesis out of the desert. Tomorrow will be my genesis with the Lord without fasting. Each day after that is another genesis day with the Lord. I'm smiling over those thoughts.

Remember that neighbor that I apologized to? She and I talked today. She hasn't changed, but I have! Jack and I talked about that whole situation and I said a quick "burp" prayer for her. I pray that she'll have a genesis one day.

During this fasting week, God connected me with several significant people in my past who have had huge influences and impact on my spiritual growth--Kathy started it! Then my 70's Bible Study gals. The timing of these reunions has been God showin' up and I've seen HIM. God's reminder through these reunions:  His sustaining work throughout the years--through these dear friends lives as well as my own. Lots of genesis happening through the years with all of these friends.

In two weeks, my Wednesday Bible Study gals & I will start a new Beth Moore study, James. I know there will be some genesis happening there! This is God's present work--the working out of my sanctification with and in front of these gals who hold me accountable and I them! We will be "genesising" together!

There are three more people that I need to add to this list who are very much connected to any and all of my genesises (is that how you spell more than one genesis) and have been a part of my fasting week. My daughter, Shelly, my sister, Laura, and my best friend, Dell! They have been my deepest confidantes. I will start crying if I write anymore. These three know my heart and my life more than any other humans on this earth. They are alway part of any genesis in my life. The lesson here:  I AM TRULY A BLESSED WOMAN.

What happens to this blog now? I've no clue. It may have a genesis of it's own.

Now, all I have to say is...AMEN & AMEN.

Idolatry

My friend is on her way to the airport. She's off to a place to face her biggest fears and to come out of her captivity. I know I'm up this early to pray for her. She is consuming my thoughts. As I got my cup of coffee just now, I think the Lord put in me the feelings that she is having. Around my heart it feels like sharks are swimming--holey moley--the fear and angst is unbearable.

If I were God, I'd heal her RIGHT NOW! If I were God, I'd fill her with all those things that she has needed all her life. If I were God, I'd give her every answer that weighs heavy on her. If I were God...

That's been MY problem...I've been playing God in my life. I've been the biggest idol that has replaced my Lord and Savior. What a two-fold insight within 30 seconds. Talk about God showin' up!

This last day of fasting kinda feels like You are going to come quickly with some things, Lord. Forgive me for committing idolatry. Even though Jack and I have Welcome Center at church today, show up and don't let me miss You.

What do you have to say today, Lord? Help me & my friend to hear it...Amen!

Furnace People...Not What You Think

The Original 70's Bible Study
Cathy, Cathy, Pauletta, Kerry, Juanita, Dottie

The neatest thing happened today. The Bible Study that I was in during the 70’s had a reunion!!! There were 6 of us. The last study we did together was in 1977 or 1978. I don’t know if we all stepped back and were in our 20’s - 30’s or if we all stepped forward to the present...probably a little of both. The ease, trust, love, and familiarity picked up where we left off. We had a brunch, laughed a bit and then started into the serious part of catching up our lives.

One thing was obvious: our life trials revolved around husbands, kids, or grandkids. God chooses our family. These relationships that are the closest to us have been the crucible of God’s refining. Half of the gals are no longer married, the other half have at some point wished they weren’t! All have grandchildren except for one. And all have been or still are entwined with their grown children’s poor choices or life devastations of which no one is to blame. As we laughed and cried through each gal’s story we felt what that time was like for her. Some kept in touch and went through the “fire” with them; most of us lost touch and had no idea of the ordeals. The six gals who sat around that table could have given Oprah a run for her money as far as heart wrenching show stories. Not a single one of us would have picked any one else’s “fire” to go through. As the three Hebrew children came out of the fiery furnace, there was not a singed fiber or hair, not a twinge of smoke, and no burn marks anywhere...the same was/is true for those of us around that table. If the stories had not been shared, you could not have detected a furnace experience. I love these fellow-furnace survivors.

I asked God to give me insight for this reunion and how it relates to my fasting. I’m going to start writing because I’ve not formulated any revelations up to this point...let’s see what happens!

--Going through horrible life experiences doesn’t mean God isn’t part of it--He is the biggest part of it.

--If but for God...

--Laughter is medicine.

--Tears are a great detox.

--His timing is everything, but not necessarily liked.

--Trust Him

There could be an endless list but I’m not going to get bogged down into trying to “get it all”. I want the Spirit to drop new nuggets of this reunion into my thoughts whenever He wants. I’m sure He’ll use some of today’s experience to fill my corners that He has had access to during my fast.

Today was refreshing. Today was a rekindling of important spiritual foundations laid together with these ladies. My sisters in Christ. My traveling companions, whether near or far, as we make our way through this life into the next. These gals are the forerunners of my present day Wednesday Bible Study gals. No one can replace my Original Bible Study. We were together at that time because, quite frankly, that’s how God planned it.

I have to say...God is good...so very, very good...all the time! Glory!

Active Listening

The Bluebird that I heard
during me Listening Invitation!

I’ve been up since 5:30 this morning. Love the mornings. I’m DEFINITELY a morning person. As soon as I walked into the hallway I heard the splatter of raindrops on the skylight. Within 5 seconds that splattering turned into a downpour. Ahhhhh! Is there nothing more soothing than an early morning rain? About an hour later, I heard Jack raise the window in our bedroom; I walked back expecting him to be getting ready for the day, instead the lights were still out, he was belly-down across the bed with his head toward the window—listening. He comments, “It’s so relaxing listening to the rain!” (At this time in my hubby’s life, he needs all the stress relievers he can get.)

Fast forward to mid-morning. I’m outside in glorious sunshine. The temperature is near 60, other than the wet ground and water standing in the wetlands, you’d never know there had been a deluge of rain just 2 hours ago. Walking up the driveway, I stop dead in my tracks. I close my eyes relishing the warmth. Then I hear! Passing cars—tuning in I can detect the difference between cars, trucks, cement trucks, semi-trucks—tuning in further I can recognize a Mustang! (Being Ford owners all our lives, knowing the sound of a Mustang is like recognizing one of my own children’s voices!!!)

I press myself to broaden my search for sounds. Eyes still closed. Birds. Cawing of a Crow. Chickadee. Cardinal. Tufted Titmouse. Bluebird. The contented “caaacaaa” from one of my hens. The clicking of the talons of one hen coming up behind me on the asphalt. A rooster crows. The neighbor’s rooster crows. A plane overhead. The dripping of water from the gutter.  “Noah” our cat meows at my feet…interestingly, I did not hear him walking up to me.

All these sounds I could hear within a matter of seconds after closing my eyes and giving full rein to my audio senses. The quickening comes: how much do you tune out, Juanita, when there is proof of Me and My activity continually. Stop! Close your eyes! Wait! Listen! Or touch! Go deep within and feel! Smell! And when you dare—open your eyes and SEE! Worship.

I don’t have to say what was poignantly evident—it was a God invitation to join Him for that moment.

GodSaid.KathySaid.com

This is me in 2009 on New Year's Day reading My Utmost for His Highest.
I had been starting the day in my "prayer room". What happened?
It's Lucinda's fault!

(I wrote the below musings yesterday immediately after I got home from my non-counseling session. But when I finished writing, I knew there was more askew than my missed counseling session. So, the soul searching and confession that I posted yesterday was needful for my fasting purposes.

Today is a new day. I had my counseling session and it was very helpful. Starting the day right and watching for God to enter my day however He wanted has been a spiritual and emotional high. What a difference a day does make!)

I listen to the radio when I drive. A few days ago a commercial got my attention. A booming deep voice announces:  “Godsaid.Mansaid.com”! Had my attention. Then evil twin Lucinda, perks up and says…”well, where is “Godsaid.Womansaid.com”!” (Does anyone else have an evil twin? Honestly, she drives me nuts. That’s another blog for another time!) All that digression to say, until I finish my fast, I’m inventing a new make believe website:  Godsaid.Kathysaid.com!!!

I’m realizing that this blog is part of my fast. It’s given me time to slow down my thinking enough for the Lord to penetrate my mind and heart before I go too far off into left field…or in my case, back into the desert! Since Kathy has been the inspiration for my newly created blog, I claim domain rights to this new made-up website. But I will bequeath it to Kathy anytime she wants it.

Wednesday is my favorite day of the week. It’s the day I recover some of my sanity. It’s the day I laugh—out loud. It’s the day I can cry over someone else’s heartache and be there for them. Wednesday morning my four dear, dear friends and I meet at Paneras and draw strength from each other. (This time together each week has definitely been an oasis.)

I’ve started seeing a counselor again. I need some fresh eyes and ears on why I am sabotaging my efforts to lose weight. My Wednesday gals have helped tremendously but I know when more is needed. The bad thing about professional counseling is that it costs a bit more than a bagel and a cup of coffee with my gals! I’ve made my appointments on Wednesdays after our girl-time. I was an hour early so I parked outside the building and grabbed my iphone. Opened my Kindle app and started reading my historical fiction. Sun is warm coming through my side window and I’m soon transported to Colorado, on a ranch, with the cowgirl and cowboy apprehending the bad guy—who turns out to be the cowboy’s long lost younger brother. Get to the end of the chapter and I check the time and I have 20 minutes before my appointment. So I decide to go to the waiting area and read until the doc calls me. I go the elevator, push button 2 and make the 15 second ride by myself. Door opens:  where are the big brown double doors into the reception area? Panic! I’m not at the counselor’s office; I’m at my dermatologist’s office. Rush to elevator. Out the door. Into my car. Driving to where I think is a quick exit to the highway, I come to a dead end. More panic. Finally, I find and merge into the traffic. (I should have taken the interstate! Is it too late to turn around? Call doc. Leave voicemail and let her know I’m running late. Oh No…I missed my turn and now I have to go turn around and I can’t make a left turn onto the street that I’m suppose to take…awww, nothing coming so I’ll turn into the parking lot on the corner and then come out on the street I need to be on. I think of Kathy.) I arrive 10 minutes late and call doc (actually a voicemail) to tell her that I’m in the reception area. At 2:30 doc comes and looks at me funny. And a sinking feeling makes me say, “Was my appointment tomorrow?” (Could have sworn it was today…I purposely made it on this day after our gal-time.) We go to her office and discover that it was her mistake. She had accidently erased my appointment time instead of another patient. She had rescheduled me for Thursday at 4:00, which I know I never would have made. It would have put me smack-dab in the middle of west-bound rush hour—no way, Jose!!! She apologizes and we make an appointment for the next day.

I have to say the obvious: no appointment is necessary with my Heavenly Counselor. He is always available. Listening to my mind on the way home, I have issues! Doc can help me with some of it, but He can help me with it all. Oh! And I have “Godsaid.Kathysaid.com”!

Fighting the Amnesia!

My Utmost for His Highest. This is my go to book after the Bible. Here is what Oswald Chambers wrote for yesterday’s daily reading...I emphasize yesterday (which I missed).

As workers for God we have to learn to make room for God – to give God "elbow room." We calculate and estimate, and say that this and that will happen, and we forget to make room for God to come in as He chooses. ...Do not look for God to come in any particular way, but look for Him. That is the way to make room for Him. Expect Him to come, but do not expect Him only in a certain way. However much we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that at any minute He may break in. We are apt to over look this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way. All of a sudden God meets the life – "When it was the good pleasure of God. . ."

Keep your life so constant in its contact with God that His surprising power may break out on the right hand and on the left. Always be in a state of expectancy, and see that you leave room for God to come in as He likes.

I didn’t look at the date this morning and assumed I was on the right page for January 26^th. Who cares about the date, I definitely was on the right page. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t into active expecting God as I read this, but it didn’t stop Him from showing up…as I sat there reading about Him showing up…I was cementing my thoughts to make certain I would watch for Him to show up; He showed up! He showed up! How utterly humbling!

Listen to an excerpt of today’s reading and tell me He’s not “showin’ up”!

Every time we lose ground in our fellowship with God, it is because we have disrespectfully thought that we knew better than Jesus Christ. We have allowed “the cares of this world” to enter in (Matthew 13:22), while forgetting the “much more” of our heavenly Father.

It’s not even 9:00am yet! I’m going to marinate for a while.

I have to say, this day is starting out better than yesterday. I need to fight my daily amnesia and remember that the day is better when He starts it. Doesn’t mean the day will be rosy…just means the Rose of Sharon will be ahead of me in the day and I need to follow. (Bet you can guess what my tendency is & where I get into trouble the most with the leading and following!) I’ll keep watch, Lord; show up however You want.

 

Mediocre Muddling

Got off track today with my fasting. I took the controls again and hoped God would bless my idea for the day. Which didn’t turn out to be any idea at all...I muddled through the day. Here I’ve done it again--made it all about me. 

Got to pull out the honesty. Where did you get off track today, Juanita?

Instead of heading to the computer, I should have headed to Scott’s bedroom--my prayer room now. Even if it would have been for only 5 minutes. I also started negotiating what I would eat or not eat for the day. What I have been doing is having my coffee and then only eating veggies, fruits, and nuts till the sun went down. Then I’d fix something for Jack & I--which was pizza. Again, I got trapped in the method, form, and checklist of fasting. 

Forgive me Lord. I want to end the day better than how I started and cruised through it.

What do I have to say when I kidnapped an opportunity to learn God’s heart, absorb His Word, but instead ransomed the day with mediocrity? Nothing. Because that’s what I got in return.  To my prayer room I go...the day isn’t over yet. It is about You, Lord.

Fog in the Desert

FoggyMorning

Two days ago we had about 2" of snow which froze overnight.
Rained yesterday and this morning it's 50 degrees.
The perfect makings for fog.

I apologized to a neighbor. A contentious neighbor. The words I wrote in the original email were truthful. I was angry without being hateful. I was cautious and correct in what I wrote. But I did not send the email to her. It wasn’t intended to be sent to her. Oh, Wait! Yes I did! Accidentally! Instead of hitting “forward” to a fellow gracious neighbor, I hit “reply” and off my “behind her back” musings were sent. When I discovered what I had done, to say that my heart was racing is an understatement. I had just turned a potentially volatile situation into a definite volcano. I braced for the spew!

Nothing happened. Except for what was stirring inside that I recognized as that “little voice” of conscience. I had ignored the minute whisper as I wrote the email. Now, I could not pretend I didn’t recognize the articulate, succinct roaring of guilt. Could not ignore or deny my behavior. I WAS GUILTY!

Now comes the maneuvering to get out of it--justification is called to the deck. In this sea of churning guilt, the defense carrier brought all combat ready forces to the flight deck. The missiles of justification were launched. Alas! Not a single one hit the target. Missed by miles. Missed by eternity! Why? Because the target wasn’t out-there somewhere. The target was me. Worse yet--the missiles were duds. Blanks with a sickly sulfur smell.

Months have passed. The inevitable was going to happen. We were going to have a community meeting. The volcano did erupt but there was no gigantic rumbling, only a little plumb of smoke without soot or volcanic ash. Her email arrived two days before the meeting. A matter-of-fact statement that she received my email which was obviously not intended for her. Therefore she would not be attending the meeting.

I had to disengage my fleet. I must apologize.

She kept her word and did not attend. It’s been three days since that meeting and I could not put off what I knew I would eventually do. I just didn’t know how to do it. Go to her house. Call her. I emailed. At first I thought that was a bit of an irony.

I woke this morning knowing that I had to do something TODAY. I went to my “prayer closet” and asked the Lord to make sure I was being honest with Him. Was I being a coward? I weighed the ramifications of waiting to see her in person and felt that I needed to extend the apology without the trappings of unneeded dialogue from both sides. I needed to be very simple and straight forward. Contrite and ask for forgiveness because I was wrong. I sent the email. With the apology I mentioned that I had some items for her from the meeting and I would bring them to her at her convenience. It would be awkward but I wanted to treat her as I wanted to be treated. The missile is now on her carrier!

My carrier is light, unburdened and moving through calm waters. Thank You, Jesus.

I have to say, it’s wonderful being without that self-imposed fog of rationalization. Can you have fog in the desert? Is there room at an oasis for a carrier? That must have been a bigger oasis than I thought it was while I was wondering through those sands. Not surprising. The Lord’s offerings of reconciliation and forgiveness are always bigger than what I can perceive...or deserve. (”Midnight at the oasis...” don’t think Maria Muldaur, had any of this in mind but God did!)

Fasting

Not fun! God is rolling His eyes. I’m rolling mine and ducking for cover. I’ve read Jentzen Franklin’s book, Fasting, and felt he did the best job of defining what fasting is and what it isn’t without making it sound hyper-religious. It is hyper-effective if your focus is on Him. It is a pharisaical waste of time if your focus isn’t. I know from experience. 

I have a fasting journal. It’s very pretty. I’ve written very neatly in it. God wasn’t fooled. And I wondered around those hot desert sands wondering why I wasn’t getting anywhere.  

I wrote to my friend Kathy telling her that I don’t think God is so impressed with the regimen as He is with the refreshing. Fullness over form. Motive over method. Desire over dogma. Change over a check mark for participating in the church’s yearly fast. And my feet get blistered from all that hot sand; along with a thirsty soul.

I’ve had a meaningful time of fasting--once! It was hard work! Emotional! All consuming!  Fasting scares me. For this control-freak, self-imposed-expectations-freak, perfectionist-freak, fasting is something I can’t live up to. So the enemy has been doing his little giggy-dance celebrating that I’ve listened to his lies. And my heart has grown a bit hard. 

I’ve dreaded and anticipated this time of fasting. That’s what I told my friend Kathy. That’s what I confess to You, Lord. There’s a line in a worship song that say, “...I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it...” And Lord I am sorry for the thing I’ve made fasting. It is all about You. My mind knows that. But my heart is deceitful and self is a thing that fans the deception. I’ve made it about me. I’m sorry, Lord. I’m sorry, Lord.

Give me strength to do the hard work of fasting; trust You with my emotions. Help me not to keep corners of my spirit and soul hidden from You. They really aren’t hidden, I only refuse You access. Lord, I’m weary coming out of this desert. It’s not so far behind me that I still can feel it’s desolation. The absence of being close to You. I have missed You. True, You’ve never left and there have been moments of welcomed oasis’s in the desert. Sips of life-giving water. An oasis in the desert is nice but it’s still in the desert. 

These are words Lord. They sound good and look good on paper. I need Your Word. I’ve asked You many times during this dry time to please don’t give up on me. I’ve known that You wouldn’t but I didn’t know how far or how long I’d stay in the desert. If I’m not completely ready for “whatever”, in these next days of fasting, help me to get there.

I have to say, this has been an interesting first day.  Enemy, the rug that you’ve been cuttin’-up on with your little giggy-dance, it was pulled out from under you at Calvary. Alleluia. I give you all my corners, Lord.

Vicarious Living Was Not A Bad Thing For Me Today!

My time with my friend Kathy while reading her blog.

I was seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling, and feeling everything she was doing.

Her Blog:

Glimpses of Beauty...Moments of Grace.

The musings of a Christian Woman.

A marvelous time for me orchestrated by the Lord.

God Used Kathy's Blog

It's one thing to be awakened in the middle of the night by my newborn's hungry cry, but it's not a newborn that is waking me up in the middle of the night. It's been 34 years since my last newborn. I could once blame night sweats and hot flashes but that insanity season has passed. The hot flashes have but perhaps the insanity hasn't. Will have to discuss that with Jack. Nope, don't have to do that, I already know his answer.

Last night I woke from a sound sleep at 1:00am. Went to the bathroom and then snuggled back into my warm bed. At 2:00am, I was roused by Jack's soft snoring. I most likely would have never noticed his low decibels at that moment if I hadn't been awakened earlier. Some nights he has driven me from the bedroom to another spare bed because of his revved up, high performance reverberations. But this night, I could not blame this warm soul, of forty-two years come February, lying next to me. Could have been the caffeine from a cup of coffee at 8:30 pm. But with twenty-twenty hindsight, I know without a doubt it was the perfect Lover of my soul who brought me to be wide awake. So, at 3:00am I dressed (yep, I'm sometimes a night-nudie--throw back to my hot flash nights), felt around for my ipad & reading glasses, and quietly made my way to Shawn's old bedroom.

I finished the last two chapters of Robert Whitlow's, Greater Love, Tides of Truth Series, Book 3. Again, with those twenty-twenty spectacles, I see where God was up to something when I was in the midst of Book 2 of this trilogy. He is somethin' huh!?!

Sleep was no where on the horizon, much less the sun. So I decided to check my emails. And there she was. My friend, Kathy. Kathryn. Her Christmas newletter/blog/email began with her picture of her new home in South Dakota. In the movie, Jerry McGuire, I loved Rene Zellweger's line, "Shut up, you had me at hello." Well, Kathy/Kathryn had me with her beautiful winter snow covered home against the landscape of the Black Hill's pines. I started reading and I was transported--I could taste, hear, smell, touch, and see through Kathy's pallet of words. (I'm sticking with Kathy, because it's taking too long to write Kathy/Kathryn!)

More importantly, God had me. I caught up with my friend for the next hour. I was so enmeshed with her heart and soul that vicariouly had a whole new meaning. As I closed out her 2011 blogging, I was thankfully sleepy. I laid the ipad on the floor and stared out the window into the dark dark blue night and whispered a plea of repentance. (Long story and I'm not tellin'!) My trek of a year through a spiritual desert was done as I stepped into Kathy's description of South Dakota. I love the west. I love God's timing more. I cried. Then I slept.

I have to say, spiritual deserts are not fun. God designs some of them for us and others are of our own making. Those are the ones He redeems. I will now take my twenty-twenty spiritual specks and let Him reinforce the lessons on which He wants me to focus. Some I already have a clear view. I want to see what He wants me to see and I want to hear what He wants to say.